So often I feel like I am breathing in exhaust fumes from the end or beginning of a long day.
But what if I were to let go? To let go of my pride, my fear, my insecurities, and my plans and were to simply breathe in grace.
To breathe in grace means that my life source is coming not from my agenda or my plans or my hopes or my dreams, but they are coming from God’s agenda, his plans, his hopes, and his dreams. If I were to surrender everything I hold so tightly to and surrender to him and breath in his grace, then it would make sense that I would exhale his grace into every aspect of my life.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Repeat.
God’s grace. I can come boldly to the throne of God to receive mercy and grace.
Hebrews 4:12-16:
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
His word is alive. His word is active. His word differentiates between my intentions and my actions. His word helps me to evaluate my motives. Self? or God? Who am I trying to please?
But most importantly, for me, is that even though I know I will screw up, even though I know I will mess up and even though I know I will need forgiveness, I know I will find all that I need at God’s throne of grace.
Imagine. His throne is grace! His son, Jesus, paved the way so that we could come confidently, with boldness in our shame and nakedness, to the very throne of God, and there we receive grace rather than condemnation.
So why do I hide from God? Why do I try and cover up my sins and flaws if he sees me in all my fullness or lack anyway? What if…what if… I simply came and let his mercy and grace flow over me and in me?
I come, weak and wounded, yet confident that I will find the grace that I need. I breathe in grace, hold it in and let it wash over every part of me, then I exhale it’s goodness out on those around me.
I feel myself pacing back and forth at the base of what seems to be a mountain to climb. The path that God has me on is leading straight up, but I keep putting off putting one foot in front of the other.
So I find a boulder to sit on and sometimes I look at the climb and sometimes I turn my back and pretend it’s not there. Sometimes I wander to the side of the path looking for an alternative route, but no.
The path I am on leads straight up.
Or so it seems.
I keep waiting for a miracle to happen and the path will level out, but what if I need to walk that climb and the miracle will meet me somewhere between here and there?
What is this climb I am scared to climb? It’s my twelfth year of homeschooling that has me avoiding my reality that the path I am on leads straight to a climb up a hill, a mountain, whatever. Only it’s not a short climb, it actually looks like a long journey, but it’s an incline all the way.
I feel weak and powerless and fearful.
But my God is strong and powerful and faithful.
I hear the voices in my head saying, ‘Are you sure God called you to homeschool?’ ‘You don’t have to do this you know.’ ‘You chose this path so you have no right to complain, suck it up and shut up.’
But my reality is that God did call us to homeschool so questioning that call does a few things for me. It tempts me with disobedience. It fills me with doubt. I spend too much time longing for the time my non-homeschooling (sane) friends have. I become discontent and fail to hear the encouraging words of my God.
What is he whispering? Well, I wish I could say I knew, but I can’t, because I have been sitting with my hands clapped over my ears and saying ‘la, la, la’. (I am an adult, really, truly I am).
But I think I am tired of acting like a three year old. I think. Even if I’m not, the time has come to believe what God has said.
He has said he will never leave me.
He will never forsake me.
He will be my refuge.
He will be my strength.
He is my joy.
Whether I feel any of those things doesn’t change the fact that they are true. It’s also true that I have a tough year of school ahead of me. It will require more time. It will require better time management. It will require consistency. It will require much of me.
But this I know: I don’t go forward in my own strength. I don’t have any strength. But my God does. I am going to throw myself onto him and trust him to take my life and make it much.
It’s time to put those hiking boots one, hitch up my pants, strap on my backpack, grab my Lord’s hand, and take that first step.
Two people can be looking at the same scene and see very different things. Why is this? I think it’s partially due to personality, temperament, worldview, and life experiences. Having different opinions about the state of the country, the state of the kitchen, the state of the church, whether summer is better than winter or if hotels are better than bed and breakfasts is what makes conversation interesting. And fiery!
However, there is the human perspective and the God perspective. The longer I follow God and his ways, the more I see that his perspective is very different than mine and the more I know God’s heart the more I trust his perspective. And the more I long for his perspective.
You see, I will think the bad things that happen to me are a result of something I did wrong or some secret sin I have in my heart. Or I see bad things as not really God’s will for me, it’s merely the consequence of someone else’s choice that spilled over into my life. Or he allows them because he ‘won’t give me more than I can handle’. Really?
All I see is right now. All I see is my life, at this moment. I cannot see past this moment. I cannot see into the future. I can’t even see the past.
But God can.
Are desert times His will? I wish I could say ‘no’, but then I read how Jesus was led by the Spirit to the desert. Hmm…if Jesus could be led into the desert by the Spirit, and Jesus is the son of God, who am I to think that I wouldn’t be led into the desert?
Are sufferings His will? Wouldn’t it be nice to say ‘no’? But then I read how Jesus suffered and died and how I am to be like him in his sufferings.
Will God not give us more than we can handle? Umm….than why would we need him? When would we learn to rely on Him? When would we experience his power in our lives?
God’s perspective is very different than mine. I would love to try and explain away the bad things that happen in my life or justify them or blame them on someone else and play the victim. What if I stopped it and just stood with my hands open and accepted whatever came my way and focused on God and His goodness and unchanging nature rather than focusing on what I wish didn’t just happen?
What could happen if, as a church, we all stopped trying to explain away our circumstances and started giving glory to God because he is God? We would see a revival sweep across our nation and world. We would see Jesus-followers living in victory and joy despite our circumstances.
grace is one of those topics that the more I discover about it the more the mystery grows. I peel a layer and unearth a beautiful facet about grace, then another layer is revealed and I begin to peel that one away as well. Sometimes during the process I feel I lose all that I know and understand about grace, but as the next layer is revealed what understanding I lost crystalizes as it comes into focus.
Brokenness. It’s a facet of grace that I wouldn’t consider. Unless I experienced it.
I thought I knew brokenness. I am a child of a broken home. I am the descendent of broken relationships. And with the brokenness comes all different kinds effects: insecurity, fear of rejection, fear of success, emotional issues, physical issues, self-image issues, God-view issues, and a host of other problems. If you had asked me, I would have described myself as a broken plate that, through the power of the Holy Spirit, God put me back together again–with my cracks showing and empty places where the missing pieces were too small to replace. That’s the kind of brokenness I understood. And it’s a kind of brokenness we all can relate to.
We all have cracks. We all have missing pieces. We all have the ‘what-ifs?’ We all have spots in our lives with missing pieces that we ask ourselves ‘would that piece be missing if…’. I say let’s let God piece us back together, but let’s let Him place the pieces as He sees fit.
Brokenness. It was my companion. It was integral to my integrity. It still is. But just as with my understanding of grace, I needed to have a new understanding of brokenness.
The brokenness I experienced was a direct result of my life’s circumstances. Many were not even my own choices. I didn’t choose to come from a broken home. I didn’t choose to have a generational line of broken relationships. Those weren’t my choices. The effects of those choices–were they mine or were they an unavoidable consequence?
Both.
A toddler or young child doesn’t have the emotional maturity to deal with the heart sorrows that affect him or her. But, they grow up with a residual feeling that they can’t define, yet it defines their life, their choices, and their worldview. In my case, insecurity and fear of rejection were the core results of my broken life.
It was by God’s grace, by His tender, pursuing grace that He brought me to a place where I was willing to be broken by Him. Insecurity and fear of rejection were my armor. They don’t make good armor, but I had fooled myself into thinking that they did. I hid my true self, the self God wanted me to be behind that faulty armor. I tried my hardest to make sure that people liked me and I would mold myself into being whatever someone wanted because then they wouldn’t reject me.
People had become my god.
But my heart wanted God to be my God.
Brokenness. Broken by life’s circumstances or broken by God? Both are facets of brokenness and God’s grace is at work in both. God will love us and pour His grace on us throughout our circumstances. He will walk us through the fire and the storms and the fields of beauty.
However, He will also break, if we’re willing, the things in our lives that prevent Him from being God in our hearts, our lives, and our homes. My battle with insecurity and fear of rejection was broken by a gracious God. It was a painful journey, but He poured His grace into the broken pieces and has begun the process of putting me together in His plan and in His time. And He longs to do the same for everyone. The question remains….will you?
It’s a word that speaks to the heart of every man or woman, for aren’t we all in bondage to something or another? Galatians 5:1 states: ‘It is for freedom that Christ set us free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.’ Initially, we are set free for freedom to run straight into the arms of God. However, it’s the day to day living that brings us back into bondage. Because, yes, I have been set free. I am free in Christ. I am a new creation. But I choose whether I am going to stay in that place. I choose whether I am going to believe that I really, truly am a new creation.
Freedom.
Bondage.
One is given to us by a scandal of grace and the other is given to us by the scandal of our shame.
There is a cycle of shame in our bondage. We long to be free and we believe we are free, but habits are habits and trenches are trenches and ruts are deep and long held patterns of thought keep us from fully, habitually entering the freedom of Christ. The shame happens when we scrape and claw and transform our way out of the bondage and just as we reach the crest, we hit a proverbial ‘bump’ in the rut and we fall. We fail. It’s the cycle of shame: Try. Succeed. Fail. Confess. Redemption. Faith. Repeat. A cycle of shame.
What if there was a way into freedom? For good and for always?
What if we explored the different ways we find ourselves in bondage?
Some of those areas are: Addiction. Pride. Fear. Skepticism. Insecurity. Lack of belief. Idols. Religion. Tradition. Opinions. Identity.
I believe freedom begins when we understand brokenness. But wait? I thought we are talking about freedom in Christ? What does brokenness have to do with freedom?
Because brokenness precedes freedom.
You see within the heart of every person lies the innate desire to survive. Humans are hard-wired to survive. There are countless stories of survivors who survived because they were driven by their own will. Everything we experience in this physical life is a reflection of our spiritual life so let’s go back to the beginning.
Because of Adam and Eve, our innate nature is sinful. That is the nature that is driven to survive. So when we accept Christ as our savior, as we surrender our control of our own lives over to him, we accept the reality that our minds, wills, motivations, personalities– which are inherently prone to sin– are still with us. I know I am a new creation, but I also know that every day I have to stand firm so I don’t fall back into the bondage of slavery to selfishness and pride.
So begins the journey into freedom. It starts with surrender. It travels through brokenness and ends with freedom.
Brokenness is not something most of us run towards. If anything I am driven to avoid brokenness. Brokenness denotes failure. It identifies me as ‘less than’. Brokenness is the antithesis to this culture of the ‘pursuit of happiness’ and the American dream. What if, what if the way to our dream takes us through a broken place? Would we chase after it?
This life—this God-life—is found through the cross and what did the cross do to Jesus? It broke him. Reconciliation with the God of the ages, the God of creation, the God who chases me and loves me more than I can imagine, can only be found through the broken, yet resurrected body and life of Jesus Christ.
Brokenness.
It’s a good thing.
It’s a God thing.
I would love to share my story to freedom through brokenness in hopes that you, friends, will see your brokenness in a different light. That you will see it through freedom’s light and that you may run free straight into the arms of my Faithful God.
