I feel myself pacing back and forth at the base of what seems to be a mountain to climb. The path that God has me on is leading straight up, but I keep putting off putting one foot in front of the other.
So I find a boulder to sit on and sometimes I look at the climb and sometimes I turn my back and pretend it’s not there. Sometimes I wander to the side of the path looking for an alternative route, but no.
The path I am on leads straight up.
Or so it seems.
I keep waiting for a miracle to happen and the path will level out, but what if I need to walk that climb and the miracle will meet me somewhere between here and there?
What is this climb I am scared to climb? It’s my twelfth year of homeschooling that has me avoiding my reality that the path I am on leads straight to a climb up a hill, a mountain, whatever. Only it’s not a short climb, it actually looks like a long journey, but it’s an incline all the way.
I feel weak and powerless and fearful.
But my God is strong and powerful and faithful.
I hear the voices in my head saying, ‘Are you sure God called you to homeschool?’ ‘You don’t have to do this you know.’ ‘You chose this path so you have no right to complain, suck it up and shut up.’
But my reality is that God did call us to homeschool so questioning that call does a few things for me. It tempts me with disobedience. It fills me with doubt. I spend too much time longing for the time my non-homeschooling (sane) friends have. I become discontent and fail to hear the encouraging words of my God.
What is he whispering? Well, I wish I could say I knew, but I can’t, because I have been sitting with my hands clapped over my ears and saying ‘la, la, la’. (I am an adult, really, truly I am).
But I think I am tired of acting like a three year old. I think. Even if I’m not, the time has come to believe what God has said.
He has said he will never leave me.
He will never forsake me.
He will be my refuge.
He will be my strength.
He is my joy.
Whether I feel any of those things doesn’t change the fact that they are true. It’s also true that I have a tough year of school ahead of me. It will require more time. It will require better time management. It will require consistency. It will require much of me.
But this I know: I don’t go forward in my own strength. I don’t have any strength. But my God does. I am going to throw myself onto him and trust him to take my life and make it much.
It’s time to put those hiking boots one, hitch up my pants, strap on my backpack, grab my Lord’s hand, and take that first step.
And I trust that it will be a step into grace.
