Loss is a part of this life. This I know. I don’t go a day without hearing of a loss for someone somewhere. I often don’t know how to respond–sometimes the pain is too great. Sometimes the fear that it will happen to me will hold me tight in it’s grip and I will freeze.
I also know I will minimize my loss in the face of someone else’s greater loss because I want to respect those who have experienced greater losses than I.
However, I am learning it’s important to experience the pain of my own loss. Grief, however large or small, needs to be felt and experienced. A long, long time ago I lost a little one. I lost the promise of motherhood within a 12 hour period. I lost myself in the process.
Miscarriage is experienced by many, but many don’t talk about it. In a society where a baby is called a fetus and described as dispensable, those of us who have lost a baby through miscarriage don’t know where to turn and how much or if we can talk about the lost baby.
A hole was created in my heart and has now become a beautiful ache in my heart. The ache was born from the what if’s and if only’s and beauty was found within.
As difficult as the journey was up and through, it’s one I don’t regret taking. God used it to mold me and draw me closer to him and for that my heart is full.
I recently wrote a letter to my gone little lovely:
“Hello dearest love,
You were with me for such a short little time. You knew me better than I knew you. You heard my heartbeat before I could hear yours. You heard my voice and I never heard yours, but I want you to know your life became one of the greatest gifts I ever received.
How I grieved your loss. I grieved the first snuggle, the first smile, the first birthday, all the firsts that you and I never got to experience. I grieved barely getting to know you because you left after a short 10 weeks.
But lovely little one, your life had purpose. Your life had gain. It was because of your life that going deeper with God would be my lifelong journey.
Your life became the starting point for mine.
You see, I had known Jesus as my Savior for years. I had clung to the truth that God will never leave me. I knew beyond any shadow of doubt the truth that God loved me. But I was also trying to live my life for myself and giving him only part of me. I was one of those Sunday Christians and not an everyday Christian.
You changed that for me.
Because of your life…..
I was able to let go of the bitterness and resentment that had taken root in my heart.
I came to realize the depth of God’s grace to me.
I learned, again, that beauty comes from brokenness.
Because of your life I laid my plans on the altar of God’s plans.
It was not my plan to say an early good-bye. It was not my plan to always wonder if you had hazel eyes or blue, curly or straight hair, tall or short, or whether you were a boy or a girl. It was not my plan to lose you. It was my plan to keep you and to know you.
But God had a greater plan for your life. A plan to bring life to mine. I live with my wonderings and rather than be overcome by them I am overcome by the life your little life brought to my heart.
Thank-you for what you showed me about life. I will be forever grateful for you.
Wherever your heart is today, I am praying for you. Whatever loss your facing-whether it’s a miscarriage, a death of a friend, a loss of normal, or a loss of a relationship that you would know how deep God’s love for you is, even in the midst of your darkest and deepest days.
The journey up and through is doable. I hope you will say ‘yes’ to God and hold tight to his hand as he leads you onward, trusting him to bring you to life.